I love photographing stylish kitchens and I’m always interested to hear homeowners’ stories of how these were put together. So when some friends wanted a new kitchen I followed their progress with interest, offering friendly advice where possible – I see a lot of kitchens, and kitchen products – and in my usual predatory way I visited regularly to see if I could get a feature out of it, shot a few record pictures… Alas, though they ended up with a much better kitchen, the saga reflects little credit on sections of the kitchen industry! And no feature for me: periodicals need upbeat stories, not doom-laden accounts of one cockup after another…

before: a modest, somewhat tired suburban kitchen

Initially my friends had to decide on either a package deal from a local supplier who would project manage the whole thing; or putting it together themselves, co-ordinating products from different suppliers and engaging their own fitters.

A couple of local dealers visited, made encouraging noises, delivered impressive computer-generated plans – but their quotes were beyond my friends’ budget.

So my friends – let’s call them J&J – visited national chainstores, ruled some out as either cheap & nasty or unimaginative – but found one that seemed promising. The Js could buy a complete set of  attractive units plus worktops for under two grand, and have plenty left from their budget to pay for good quality appliances sourced by themselves, plus fitting costs. This ought to work: a kitchen is a kitchen, right?

The first crack in their optimism came after they’d called the nearest – but still 100 miles distant – branch of their supplier and were told they could drop in to plan their kitchen with a consultant. They drove the 100 miles, to learn they’d been misinformed: an appointment was necessary. However, realising that turning away potential customers might be bad PR, the firm relented and sat down with J&J to plan a kitchen. My friends went home, hoping that a two hundred mile round trip plus five hours spent in the store twiddling their thumbs, arguing, and kitchen planning would prove worthwhile…

There isn’t space to enumerate all the problems the pair experienced; in fact, life’s too short. From my various talks with them, I transcribed over 2000 words of notes… After the best part of a year, and several 200-mile round trips, they had a much better kitchen that did not cost the earth and which visitors praised as cool and modern – but which cost them severely in spirit, patience, and faith in retailers. Their big mistake had lain not in choosing the kitchen conglomerate (let’s call them Big International Group, or BIG) as such, but in stipulating special features rather than the standard options. It seemed BIG was geared to customers with neatly pigeonholed requirements. They offered a custom-design service for worktops – but the custom part, painstakingly designed and specified, was produced by a separate arm of the company, who didn’t communicate with the retail side. The expensive custom bit didn’t fit the off the shelf stuff. Fortunately my friends’ intelligent, flexible kitchen fitters (Captain Kitchen and his Crew, as J&J style them) devised a workaround that looks totally convincing. The big company’s left hand never knew what its right hand was doing; the personnel changed from day to day; J&J’s calls started getting through to BIG Security, who refused to patch them through to Customer Service; BIG delivered another piece of standard worktop that was the wrong size then denied responsibility, causing a fortnight’s delay… J did some detective work to dig up the personal email address of Mr BIG in his futuristic bunker beneath a volcano in the Sea of Japan – whose intervention produced a grovelling apology and offer of support…

during: Captain Kitchen's Crew at work

So J&J were lucky with their fitters – others they’d sounded out failed to reply, or after an initial visit just didn’t bother to quote. The only fitter problem was a plumber who misunderstood his instructions to relocate a combi boiler, and thought it was to be replaced, so he ripped it apart. Still, J&J got a heavily discounted replacement boiler, two-thirds of the cost being shared between Captain Kitchen and Mr Boiler Destroyer.

after: J&J didn't so much mind the expense of their smart new kitchen, as the months of hassle...

Getting a new kitchen shouldn’t be like this, and I know from all the homeowners I’ve interviewed that it’s not usually so stressful. My friends had some bad luck: their principal supplier turned out to be maybe so big that it was just not competent to handle the mildly specialised requirements of one customer. Just as most selfbuilders I’ve met say it’s wise to pay for professional project management – someone to oversee co-ordination – maybe the above is an argument for employing a medium-sized supplier who offers a package deal. Provided you choose the right one, of course.

© 2011-2012 Anthony Harrison houseshoot.com